


Minecraft, But I'm Part Gremlin

by Anonymous



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Haha guess who, Hybrids, Kinda, What am I doing with my life?, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:28:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29263545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: What started out as a harmless death turns into something much more sinister, as Philza is forced to grapple with who he is, and what he's becoming.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14
Collections: Anonymous





	Minecraft, But I'm Part Gremlin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Catzooa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catzooa/gifts), [Lunaissickofhate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunaissickofhate/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Minecraft, but We’re Part Mob](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25998856) by [Catzooa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catzooa/pseuds/Catzooa). 



> Well, I'm sleep deprived so I might as well use it.

It was just an ordinary day when Philza Minecraft, creator of literally everything and notable wife-haver, was attacked by a screaming two-year-old with a netherite axe.

"Fuck you bitch you destroyed L'Manberg" Tommy yelled.

"Oh no, a zombie child, my only weakness!"

"Yeah, bitch, and I brought company!" He tugged on a string and Tubbo materialised, attached to one of those toddler backpacks (shaped like a bee) that had a leash on it. He smiled brightly and waved. "Hi Tommy's dad."

Phil screamed. "There's two of of them! I'm doomed!"

He ran away, but Tubbo had had one too many cookies to go into the state past Big Law, and Tommy could smell Philza's marriage a mile away. He didn't stand a chance. As the gremlin child brought down the axe of peace on his skull, he only had one thing to say; "I should have left you in that cardboard box where I found you."

From behind Tommy, Tubbo cheered. "But you didn't!"

Suddenly, there was a noise so loud it sent out a shockwave that leveled all of the buildings in area. "PHILZA LOOK OUT!"

Technoblade fell out of the sky, landing with his Elite Gamer Instincts tingling. "Oh wait," he said. "He's already dead. Whoops."

Tommy and Tubbo stared at him.

"Guess I'll be on my way then."

"Wait! Techno, you killed Tubbo. You killed him when Schlatt told you to. Also, you destroyed L'Manberg, but that's not important. I will never forgive you for what you've done!" Tommy raced towards him with the axe raised high above his head.

"Heh? Dude, get over it, that was months ago! Also, is that my axe?"

"...maybe?"

"Tommy, I told you that you weren't worthy to use my axe and you've gotten even more immature ever since. You can't use my own weapons against me!"

Suddenly, the axe falls to the ground, tugging Tommy's weak arms with it. He can't lift it off the floor. Technoblade picks it up with one hand. "I was going to go, but now that you've reminded me how much I hate you, I much just let history repeat itself again. I have a few firework rockets to burn."

He whipped out his launcher, and hunted them down for sport for the rest of the afternoon.

°~°~°~°~°

Meanwhile, Philza was having problems.

He kept looking at his death message. **_Ph1lza was killed by Tommyinnit while trying to escape Tubbo._** It was so weird. No-one had two names in their death message, except apparently him.

But then, it got weirder when he started to feel odd. Like he wasn't quite himself.

He walked into the kitchen where Kristin was making a grilled cheese sandwich Gordon Ramsay style, with far too much cheese for it to melt (seriously, what the hell is wrong with that sandwich). But instead if losing his mind over the simple meal, he went up to her and said, "You are my girlfriend."

She gave him a strange look, completely ignoring that the sandwich had spontaneously combusted yet the cheese still hadn't melted. "That's the whole point of being married. Also, why do you look like you just came out of preschool?"

"I am not a child!" He yelled. "I am a Big Man™️."

"Phil why are you screaming like you're seven?"

"Because you are not giving me the Respect I Deserve!" He huffed, and walked out of the room. He was so pissed, he decided he would go and commit marriage fraud (he still didn't know what it was).

Then Ghostbur came by to tell him of a memory he had just recovered. "Dadza! Dadza! Guess what? I remembered something all on my own?"

"And what would that be, Wilby?"

"I remembered how much I fucking hate anteaters!" He beamed proudly. "They're little fucking dickheads and deserve to all die! I went and killed one just today, by forcing blue down its throat. It was better than its regular diet anyway."

Instead of being exasperated or politely asking Wilbur what the fuck was wrong with him, Phil found himself agreeing. "Yeah, you get 'em! Fuck those guys, they're stupid and dumb and bitches!"

Ghostbur was so excited that his dad was endorsing his violent animal rights violations that ~~snorted~~ calmly used up half a pound of blue. He then wandered off in a completely not drugged up haze to go find some hundred people to terrorize. Phil watched him go fondly.

"Ah Wilbur, we are like brothers you know."

The reply somehow floated back across realms. "Stop I will cry."

Then, Phil decided to fulfill his newly-formed life-long goal of having a pet moth named _🌸｡･:*:･★Clementine★･:*:･｡🌸_ until a bird immediately swooped down and ate it off his hand. He 'mmmm'ed angrily at it, equipping two sticks to assert dominance. The bird dropped out of the sky dead.

But then, once he found another moth and had formed a considerable amount of emotional attachment to it (for the thirty seconds it took him to declare its name loudly to the world), he managed to summon the bane of all pets; Sapnap.

The pyromaniac appeared, flint and steel in hand, with a thirst for the blood of small, winged, nocturnal insects. He proceeded to burn down the entire forest (a bit overkill, but the animators loved him for it), trapping Phil and his beloved in a ring of fire. Surprisingly, he did not want to kill the moth himself. The fire was sufficient.

Phil cradled the dying pet in his hands, softly singing Hamilton. _"I'm watching it burn~"_

The moth placed one hand to his heart, another wiping away his single tear. "Leave me, and save yourself."

Slowly, he placed _🌸｡･:*:･★Clementine★･:*:･｡🌸_ 's body down on the ground. "It was never meant to be," he whispered, as chat went wild spamming 'he said the line!'. He flew away, grief heavy in his heart. He might even have gotten married out of sadness if hadn't have stopped, wondering what the hell had gotten into him.

"This isn't like me. I would never get so attached to a stupid moth," he said, while his heart screamed at him that it wasn't just a moth, it was his soulmate. He shushed it and buried his true feelings deep down inside of him. "What the hell is happening to me?"

He got his answer in the form of Quackity, being overly British and pointing at him. "Look, it's Philza innit?"

He gasped in shock. "Oh my god! I've been morphed with _TommyInnit!"_

**Author's Note:**

> Do I know why I wrote this? No. Will I come to regret this? Maybe. At least it's anonymous hehe.


End file.
